People Over The Age Of Fifty Are Banned From This Melbourne International Comedy Festival Show

Update: Everybody is banned from this show, because the whole Melbourne International Comedy Festival has been cancelled.

Covid-19 (AKA the Corona Virus) is approaching catastrophic levels worldwide. In response to the crisis, I have taken a difficult, but bold and necessary step.

It is with sadness and regret that I have decided to ban old people (50+) from coming to my show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

The Corona Virus (AKA Covid-19) is impacting us all, but mostly it is impacting the elderly. They face a far higher mortality rate from the disease, and must be protected from infection where possible.

Old people: I will not have your blood on my hands. I don’t want you coming to my show and getting infected with this virus.

This decision comes at a great personal cost. The elderly are one of the biggest audiences for my stand up comedy.

I anticipate that many people aged 50+ will be disappointed with my decision. Some may even try to lie about their age to see my show. To stop this from happening, we will also be turning ticket holders away who are:

- Unable to identify Post Malone

- Unable to perform basic tasks on a phone, like adjusting the brightness

- Paying for their own Netflix account

- Women: wearing with bright loose clothes (probably purple) and ostentatious glasses, and a beaded necklace, and drinking white wine.

- Men: wearing a polo shirt, tucked into their shorts, with New Balance sneakers on.

Some old people use botox technology to make themselves look less old. All persons suspected of being secretly old will be required to raise their eyebrows before entering the venue. Persons unable to raise their eyebrows will be turned away.

My greatest fear in taking these measures is that I will be accused of ageism. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I love the elderly. I'm not some angry Millennial, with grievances about climate change, negative gearing, having to pay for university, a terrible jobs market, systematic dismantling of welfare, gaming the tax system, and so on.

I love the Baby Boomer generation. They've contributed so much to our civilization, like:

1) The music of The Beatles

And a great many other things, too.

I hope that by banning old people from my show, we can preserve them for years to come.

For people who are under fifty years of age, tickets are still on sale.
Update, again: No! They aren’t! It’s over!

Best,

James Donald Forbes McCann